


The Wizard of Cardiff

by amythestice



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Anti-Gwen, Crack Fairytale, Gwen Bash, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-01
Updated: 2007-04-01
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:12:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythestice/pseuds/amythestice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wizard of Oz, Crack Torchwood Style</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wizard of Cardiff

  
Jack opened his eyes to find himself lying in the middle of a strange field. Sitting up, he looked down at the gingham dress he was wearing, the little lacy ankle sox, and feeling something flapping around his shoulders in the light breeze, he fingered the long pigtails curiously. A little dog ran up and yapped at him, so he patted it on the head, but otherwise ignored it as he stood up, looking down at the little white sox again.

"Ianto's going to kill me." He muttered vaguely.

He looked around saw a little cottage that looked like it had been thrown into the field by a petulant giant, and sticking out from under the house, a pair of skinny legs, ending in a pair of ruby slippers.

"Ok, the dress, bunches and sox, I can live with, but this is just weird." He said, going over for a closer look. The little dog followed, still yapping, so he gave it another pat on the head, hoping it would shut up, but other than that, continued to ignore the annoying little thing.

There was a mystical musical sound, and a woman appeared in a golden glow. She had blonde hair, strangely showing dark at the roots, and was dressed in Jeans and a hoodie.

"Rose, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"I am the good witch of the North, you have killed the wicked witch of the east, and as reward, you must take the ruby slippers. But guard them well, for the wicked witch of the west will try to take them from you."

"Whatever, at least it will stop the sox getting any dirtier." He shrugged, taking them off the feet and slipping them on.

"What now?" He asked.

"Follow the yellow brick road." She said, before vanishing.

He set off along the yellow brick road, the little dog following along quietly now, as he didn't seem to be objecting to it being there. Soon, he came to a crossroads, and pondered quietly.

"Hmm, which way to go." He mused.

The little dog went to one of the roads, yapping loudly to make its opinion known.

"I can tell you." A voice came from the field to his left, as they both ignored the yapping.

"What?" Jack asked, seeing the scarecrow staked out in the field.

"I am Scarecrowen. If you take me with you, I can tell you how to get there."

"How, when I have no clue where I'm going?"

"If you're on this road, then you're going to see the Wonderful Wizard of Cardiff."

"Really? OK." Jack said, going to cut him down.

They set off along one of the roads, still ignoring the little dog. It huffed, stood for a moment, and then followed sullenly. It didn't like not being paid attention to.

Next, the motley group came to a sleek looking black cat, which inched away from them.

"I'm Toshiko, the timid panther. Can I come with you?" She asked.

"Sure, the more the merrier." Jack shrugged, ignoring the growl from the pesky little dog.

Next, they came to a tin man, rusted to stillness at the side of the road.

"Excuse me, sorry to be a bother, but could someone please oil me?" He asked, in a lilting welsh accent.

"No bother at all." Jack said, grabbing the oil can, and casting sultry looks at the tin man as he oiled his joints.

"I'm Tin Ianto. Could I come along, I'm sure I could be useful." He said.

"I'm sure you could too. Nice...axe.." He said, bringing a faint blush to the silvered cheeks.

The little dog tried to bite Tin Ianto, jealous at all the attention that Jack was giving him, but of course that was a silly thing to do to someone made of tin. No one noticed the little yelp of discomfort the little dog gave.

(Ok, does anyone still not have a clue who the yappy dog is at this point?)

When the little group was within sight of the gilded towers of Cardiff, a figure swept down on it's broom.

"I am the wicked witch of the west." It said, looking suspiciously like Bilis Manger in drag.

"You will pay for killing the witch of the east, unless you give me the ruby slippers."

"No chance." Jack said.

"Fine. Attack my pretties." The witch said.

Winged monkeys swept down, but before they could attack, Jack pulled his compact laser deluxe out from under his skirt, and shot them all down. The witch landed and tried to grab the little dog, which promptly pee'd on him.

"I'm melting, I'm melting." The witch said, melting.

"Hey, who knew, the dog came in useful." Jack grinned, patting it once.

"Right, on we go." Jack said.

They reached the City of Cardiff, and begged an audience with the wizard.  
He turned out to be a wiry man, with messy hair, a pinstripe suit and converse trainers. He looked the rag tag little band over and smiled.

"Scarecrowen, you have a brain, you just need to use it more often, Timid Toshiko, you have courage when you need it, and that's all that matters. Tin Ianto, you have a heart, you just have to let it thaw, that's all. There is nothing I can do about the dog, and as for you Jack, it's time to wake up."

*  
He heard the voice telling him to wake up again, and suddenly he was in the dark, trying to force heavy eyes open.  
Ianto sat beside him on one of the bunks in medical, holding his hand with a worried look on his face. The Doctor was leaning over him on the other side, sonic screwdriver in hand.

"Hey, good to see you back with us, you scared your friends you know." The Doctor chided gently.

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"You got on the wrong side of some Mixilans. The venom really didn't agree with you."

"Oh. I had the strangest dream."

"I'll just bet you did." The Doctor smiled.

"Right, if he's awake he's mine." Owen barked, coming over and trying to shoo them away. The Doctor ignored him for a moment, looking at Jack.

"Its good when there's a thaw." He said, confusing the hell out of Owen and Ianto. Jack grinned though, getting the hint. He pulled Ianto to him, kissing him as tenderly as he could, and Ianto melted against him.

**********

My sincerest apologies for the massacre of the Wizard of Oz, *snerk snerk giggle*


End file.
